Death and Douchebags

Episode 2

Radical Highway

From the gilded desk of Riley the Paladin:

“I was in the middle of a deep sleep, recovering from the exhaustion of the day’s adventure, when the entire house was rudely awakened by our panicked dwarf friend Jacob kicking the door down. It appears he had run afoul of a xenophobic band of fellow paladins with poor people skills and a ridiculously pretentious guild name. It’s because of groups like this that I chose to become a non-denominational Paladin.

“Shortly after driving them off, our [[:death | landlord] arrived to offer us a quest to pay off this month’s rent. An evil sorcerer named ”/characters/romul" class=“wiki-content-link”>Romul was said to be transporting three trucks full of less-than-legal cargo across the highway, headed for the border. If he was to make it to the Frozen North, we would not be able to pursue him without lengthy cooperation and paperwork with the Bearomancers and Maple Elves of the Frozen Northern Guild. Since we had spent most of the Weedhaus coffers on recent celebrations, we took the quest.

“In the morning, we intercepted the trucks, and a great battle ensured with Romul’s legion of kobolds. It was a violent, chaotic fight that spanned an entire stretch of the highway; I ended up losing my trident (which I later found mysteriously imbedded in Death’s car), Alex ended up in the driver’s seat of one of the trucks, and I don’t even know what happened to Charlie. When we finally confronted Romul, a series of events transpired that I can only describe as purely religious and righteous. Miniguns were ripped out of their sockets, and entire trucks were obliterated. Even with these miraculous events on our side, the mysterious sorcerer seemed to be gaining the upper hand. Suddenly, we were saved by a mysterious rider who crushed an amulet hanging around Romul’s neck and disappeared as quickly as he appeared. Romul instantly became complacent and cooperative with us; apparently that amulet was controlling Romul’s actions, until it was destroyed by the mystery man we would later know to be the Bullet Mage, hunter of rouge sorcerers.

“Before we could interrogate him further, the truck we were all riding on was run off the road, and we were confronted by another wizard, accompanied by a multitude of flying weapons. Could this have been the man responsible for the attack on campus the other day?

“We were all struggling viciously against this new foe, but suddenly I blacked out for a moment. I felt warm and bright, and somewhere I thought I heard a voice spitting lyrical fire. When I came to, Romul was gone, Charlie was unconscious, and the sorcerer was lying on the ground, split in two, as if struck by a bass so loud that it shakes the place. Upon inspection of the body, I found what appeared to be a set of dog tags, and an amulet similar to the one Romul had when he was brainwashed.

“Oh dear sweet Busta Rhymes. What have I done?”



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